This morning

I'm headed off to see a new doctor, brand new, one I've never spoken with, laid eyes on or even heard of, never ever.

That means I'll have to tell my story.

I want to cancel.

I have great anxiety about it.

And tears.

I tell my story when I feel up to telling my story, not on cue.

I'm weepy, anxious, upset, filled with trepidation and despair.    

Prayers please, now and continuously our journey is far from over.

9 Months

The first day, week, month, two seasons, 4 holidays have gone on without Lainey, I made it.  I made it to the 9 month mark. (The 9 month mark mocks me...in 9 months you can have a baby)  

Initially you don't feel like you will make it, but you somehow do.

All new moms now note their baby's progress by posting a picture of their baby along with their appropriate "month marker".

This was my 3 month progress note:

Milk production has stopped
Hair loss continues
C-section scar is still numb to the touch.
Feeling pretty good
Started a job, a big adjustment
40 extra pounds still to lose
Sleeping better
Not angry to have another loss
Understanding and trusting God
My processing time is very slow- I often feel that I am standing back watching myself interact with people
It takes brain power to understand everything so fast
I am delayed in understanding and responses
The grace and mercy granted me by God to get me through this difficult time is slowly fading
Made it through a baby boy blessing at church, no tears

This was my 6 month progress note:

Hair loss still
Extra weight still
Trouble sleeping
Quick to temper
Processing is so much better
C-section?
Did that actually happen?
Did I really just have a baby?
Feeling crazy
Emotions are all over the place
Still understanding and trusting God
Unable to pray
I'm missing the grace and mercy I once had

This is my progress at 9 months;

Still Hair loss
Extra weight (And I just don't care- and I hate that)
           (It's one thing to gain weight during pregnancy and then have a baby, it's unusually cruel to     gain it and have to deal with it, without a baby)
Trouble sleeping (I'm going back on a sleep aide)
Quick to temper  (postpartum in full swing)
Easily frustrated
I've been pleading with God to relieve some of the stress.
          (Car accidents, Rick's job change, work stress..."I gave you back my baby, I praised your name, please, please give us a break")
Frustrated with Family, external family, work family, church family, actually,

          ANY AND ALL PEOPLE. 

(Not dogs who think they are people. Dogs, bunnies and guinea pigs, all good)

I still trust his plan, I really do and I am sure this is a refiners fire that's why I please with God, "How do I serve  thee today?  I did not really just go through all this for nothing, what do I do with it?"
I really feel like the suffering has been settling in for a while now.  I'm trying to manage it.
I hate the bitterness I feel for the "symptoms" that linger.
          (So I give you back my baby and I get to deal with; hair loss, weight gain, postpartum and regular life stress?!!! I can't have the free pass on some of this stuff?  Life isn't fair)

That's when I hear the little voice telling me, "No, life isn't fair, it's your life, you make it what you want it..."

So I battle on postpartum and everything.  Knowing I'm still not quite right.

Knowing I have a long lonely way to go.