After my shower this morning I combed through my hair...a bunch of strands pulled out. (Why must this continue?)
Church was like any other today, we hurriedly arrived, found our seats, business as usual.
The first Sunday of the month is known as Fast Sunday, and anyone in the congregation can speak and bear witness of Christ and share their personal testimonies. Traditionally Fast Sunday, is also the day baby blessings are performed at church.
Since Lainey has been gone, we've been in attendance for multiple baby blessings. I believe the first one was particularly difficult for Rick. It was okay for me, I was somewhat still in a fog and I believe the blessing was for a baby boy.
Here we are in November and there was a baby to be blessed, A baby girl. The blessing started, she started screaming during her blessing. I had warm fuzzy feelings about it, thought it was a sweet blessing. The blessing ended and the minute the baby was no longer laying back, but sitting up in her Daddy's arms she was silent and happy. The entire congregation had such a huge chuckle!
The person conducting our meeting said, "That reminds me of my wedding day, my soon to be wife crying...I kept telling her, it's okay, it's only forever..." We all laughed. I felt good.
We prepared for taking the bread and water by singing a song and out of nowhere the tears fell. They weren't just little hidden tears, it was a gush. An event that robs your breath and produces an ugly cry. Fighting the urge to loudly sob, I tried to get hold of myself. I tried to calm down, only I couldn't breathe. We were well into the second verse of the song, and I weighed getting up verses remaining in my seat. I thought about the song soon ending, there would be nothing to hide my quite sobs and sniffles. At times choking back little sobs, I finally looked to Lexie (who was confused) and I said to her, "I think I need to step out". She replied, "Yes, you do".
Before the song ended, I told the girls :I am going to step out", only I could not stop the tears. So, I stood with my red cry face, puffy watery eyes and faced the majority of the congregation to walk out of the meeting, knowing half of the congregation could see me. I got myself to the nearest bathroom and I cried as quietly as possible. It wouldn't stop. I was somewhat hyperventilating.
Eventually I was in a position where I could leave the bathroom to sit in a different room in the church building. I sat alone in the dark and I listened to sweet testimonies. I was so pleased to recognize those speaking, just by hearing their voices.
One at a time 4 women found me and offered me a hug and love. Which brought about the water works. I told them, "I trust Heavenly Father's plan, I accept his will, it's stupid to be so upset".
The loved me, told me that they couldn't understand how difficult...said all the right things. We then quietly listened to people speaking and eventually they went back to their seats. One person stayed and held on to me and said, "I feel prompted to tell you that Heavenly Father loves you and he is proud of you". (Cue crying)
I'm so grateful he sent a person to deliver his message. I told her, "I don't get it, I've been through other baby blessings" She replied, "Maybe it's because the baby is a bit older" I agreed, "yes, I had noticed that". Then we talked about how the baby was blessed by a member of our congregation, not her father. We hope the parents will raise her in the church, but you can't tell and don't know.
It was just all around hard.
Soon sacrament meeting ended, and I had to walk into the crowd to get to class. People could see me, they were asking what's wrong and I kept walking saying, "I'm just having a moment". If I were pressed I would start to cry a bit harder. All during Sunday School I struggled to keep my composure, twice someone reached out to me and rubbed my arm. I was grateful for loving friends.
I had managed to get through Ricky's 22nd birthday on Tuesday, with no tears, I really had a good day, despite it being 22 years since I've held my son. Lainey's day is only two weeks away. I am do it, I can get through it, I can do hard things.
Such an unexpected difficult day, filled with tears. In some ways it just shows I'm human. It shows the deep love and sorrow I have for my kids. It's absolutely exhausting.
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