Memorial Day Weekend

We left Friday after school and work.  The girls really pressured me to leave as soon as possible.  They just couldn't give me any peace about it. The relentless nagging and brow beating, it was so overwhelming.

We got in the car, me cussing under my breath the whole way, and we pull into the parking lot of the campground.  We were the only car, not another car in the lot!  We were first, absolutely first!

Then the kids were like, well, maybe we should just wait here, maybe we should come back...I wouldn't allow it, we unloaded and carried everything going to the camp site all in one trip.  Felt so good.  (Of course there was bickering the entire way, but we made it)

Eventually we set up the tent and greeted our friends.

Some of them I hadn't seen since losing Lainey, the first time seeing people is always the worst.  You think, "Do they know, do they care?"  I find I use her name often and I love hearing it.

We enjoyed great food, the fire, smores, great company.  It really was a wonderful time.  At night the girls and I would settle down in our tent and talk a few minutes.  Just us.  The kids played volleyball (until the ball went in the fire) they played card games, they played that statue game where they smack each other, they chopped wood, went fishing, swimming.

I'm so glad to have such great friends.  I felt like I spent quality time with everyone in attendance. Just so good to laugh and visit with people you know and love.

The best fun was at night we had bold raccoons trying to get our food, climbing trees right in front of us.  Saturday and Sunday nights were both spent with a white clothes basket, "raccoon bait" and a trick limb to capture the raccoon.  Sunday night Rick was deemed, "The Trap Master!" by one of the boys.   It was fun, they spent hours sitting quietly, then shushing people as the raccoon came close to the trap.  Someone mentioned, "This is what we used to do before cell phones!"

I wasn't nearly as weepy for Lainey as I thought I would be.  I got to talk about her and tell her story, it felt so good.

We really were blessed.  Monday morning we had some delicious pancakes and sausage and packed in all in, headed home to get ready for our Monday company!  We were tired, oh so tired, a good tired!

Upcoming camping trip

Last year the littles and I went camping with some friends from church.  We had such a great time, cooking, laughing, playing. Rick of course was working, so I had to go alone with the girls.  That trip is coming up once again.  I'm looking forward to it and I'm not.  

 It is so hard to believe that this time last year I sat around a campfire, laughing and telling stories with my friends while my baby girl was quietly growing inside of me.  Hard to believe she was with me as I slept on the cold hard ground, pushed and pulled a wagon full of heavy gear.  I'll be here again, but without Lainey.  She was apart of me then, these pictures represent a time in our life when she was with us.  Sigh.  

So I'm going through the motions, preparing for the trip, preparing for fun.  It will be good for us, but so often I find myself in awe that we went through these times all last year, while Lainey was with us and we didn't even know it.  Part of me is sad to know I won't be carrying her with me this camping trip.  I truly would have carried her forever if it meant she was still with me.  

I pray for a good time and sweet moments with my girls.  

Two steps forward, one step back...

I felt so fabulous and relieved to tell the one person who is expecting that I can't avoid and then I find out another is expecting.  AUGH!

We work in a church calling together, a younger married woman who has two children is expecting, my worst nightmare.  It's unavoidable, it's still so fresh for me, it's still so painful, I just don't want it under my nose, waved in my face.  (not that she would intentionally do so)

I can't ask someone who is excited and happy to bring a baby into the world, to be sullen and miserable around me.  It's not that I'm not excited for them, just so desperately sad for myself.

I know this is going to happen, it's happened with Ricky, my two miscarriages (I have cousins the ages of my children who have passed)...a different cousin just had a baby boy exactly to the DAY two months after we lost Lainey.  TO THE DAY!

I try not to associate Lainey with any new babies, I try not to imagine her "living", sitting, crawling, crying...I just try not to do that to myself.

I am trusting God, I will be okay, this will pass.  One day I'll be reunited with my sweet babies, until then I am counting on God to carry me.

Self Care

Part of my survival through the loss of yet another sweet baby is my own self care.

I chose my exposure to things which might trigger feelings of loss, or make me think of my doll baby Lainey Katherine.

That has been relatively easy to do.  I've hidden friends with small babies, friends who are pregnant from my Facebook feed.  Since I am in Young Women's at church I am not exposed too much to other women, pregnant, or with little babies, but at work, that has been problematic.

I work in a Machine Shop (a story for another day)  with 7 men.  It's attached to a family race shop, so Brothers and Sister working together daily, neat to watch.

A few months after I started one of the machinists came in announcing that his girlfriend is pregnant.

My heart just sank.  I can't get away from this, from hearing about it, I was so sick inside.
The Father had only dated the Mother for 3 weeks, when she got pregnant, so not a long committed relationship and here comes a baby.  I could hear talk about it and kept myself out of the loop of it all. Then today the opportunity presented itself today, to tell him about my baby.

Ordinarily I don't do such a thing with pregnant folks, that tends to go bad, but it was the perfect chance and I took it.

I asked him, "Did you know I had a baby girl in the fall?"  He was shocked, "No, I didn't know that".
I explained after 24 years of marriage, while on birth control, we discovered I was pregnant and we found out almost immediately that Lainey had a life limiting condition".

Right away he spoke up about how he knows others that have gone through similar things with cord accidents...said it was such a miracle, that so many things can go wrong...

I told him about T18 and explained the difference between T21, told him we were willing to do what God had in store, bring her home or bury her...I showed him a picture of her sweet face.

It felt good to share my littlest girl with him if only for a minute.  I am hopeful that he'll be considerate when talking about his new baby, sleepless nights and the expense of diapers...

I just needed him to know, I am prayerful that he will be sensitive, know that I am still grieving, hormonal, still losing my hair, that I still ache for my daughter and that maybe I can't fulling engage in conversation about his infant son.  

I'm glad he was receptive and it was a good conversation, so relieved it's over.  

Weekend happenings

Spent Saturday around the house and then went out to dinner, Rick, me, Lexie and Kaylie.  Kodi worked out of town and Lindsay was at her job.  It was good to get out.  We found a car place that would help Lindsay get her first car.

Kodi had two speeding tickets in March, 4 days apart from each other by the same police officer. (When Kodi told me I said right then and there, "You'd better call your Sister and tell her to drive careful because if anything else happens you will likely lose your cars!)

Then Lindsay was driving on a Sunday when a deer ran into her drivers side mirror then flew across the hood of her car.  (mirror destroyed)  On a Tuesday she was rear ended!  Rick could tell they would total her car, but she'd just put money in it and the trunk would close.  He was going to doctor it up and let her keep driving until it fell apart.

That plan was short lived, because on a wet rainy day she then rear ended someone!  3 Car accidents in the first 12 days of April!

Rick went completely nuts!  (For once I wasn't the raving lunatic)  He said, "I'm done, you both can get your own cars, your own insurance, I'm Done!" It was Heavenly!  I never really wanted the to give the kids cars (old junkers Rick fixed up) because I wanted them to learn responsibility.

Kodi got his car, and the hunt was on for Lindsay's.

I felt relieved this car sharing, dragging my stuff out of this car, her stuff out of my car or Ricks truck...just so relived that she has wheels!

I'm worried for both Lindsay and Kodi, having car and insurance payments, but it will be good for them.  It will be good for them and for all of us!

Video chat

I spent the morning with Angie through video chat.  It is so good for me!  I'm so grateful for modern technology that allows me to visit my family and friends.  She made cupcakes, I cleaned the fridge and we did it together in our own homes in different states!  From 10 am until around 2.  Felt like chicken soup for the soul.

Since we moved we are so isolated, no friends here to really spend time with or call on the phone. Very easy to get lonely and feel depressed.

I think my family and distant friends would be surprised by the intense ache I feel from being so far away.  They don't realize how much they are loved, missed and needed.

6 long months

I woke this morning with what I felt like was a big secret.  It was May 14th, 2015.  I felt as if most wouldn't even know what this day was, like it would come and go without notice.  I felt like I was the only one who could look at the calendar and see/feel the date pulsating back at me to remind me of this day, this moment in time.  

November 14, 2014 12:41 am. 

It is so hard to move forward and still we have too.  You'd be completely surprised by all the distractions we've had to keep us moving on, to prevent us from dwelling in the past, 

totally surprised.

(first pictures of Lainey)

It's been 6 months since I've held Lainey, 6 months since I've nestled her up against my cheek and kissed her forehead.  I miss her.

I had to go to Wal-Mart in the afternoon and headed straight towards me in the produce section was a grocery cart holding an infant car seat.  I held my breath a bit as it went by, but the curiosity got the best of me.  I had to turn around and see what was inside.  There she was a dark haired little baby girl.  Had I been brave enough to ask I would not have been surprised to find she was around 6 months old.  It was the first time I placed Lainey in this world as baby who had aged.  She might have been that big, she might have still had her dark hair, she definitely wouldn't have her ears pierced and I am certain her eyes would still be blue.    

Blue like mine and Kodi,  She would likely have dimples like Kodi and Kaylie.  Both Lindsay and Kaylie have a little dimple in their chins, Lainey had that as well.  Her hair would be dark like her daddy and she'd still have Lexie's profile.  She would be apart of each of us and yet her own little person.  

6 months have come an gone, my girl still so far away, I miss her moving in my tummy, I miss the thought of her arrival, I miss holding he in my arms.  I can't wait to be with her again, but I will.  

The best Monday ever!

I had no idea how hard Mother's Day was on me, until the Monday after it came with a

HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF!

I just felt so much better, there is no describing it, there were no surprise tears, no weepy feelings.  I am grateful.

Off to work as usual, then home to handle the crowd.

Rick is giving up smoking and asked the Elder's to share our church program with him.  He had read the material on Sunday evening and was ready to accept the challenge.  I am so thankful he is trying and am prayerful it ends!!

Happy Mother's Day

Mother's Day arrived, just like it always does.  I was up early and decided to make a pancake and sausage breakfast.  It was so good.  Off to church as usual.  Kodi drove Lindsay to Church and the rest of the family went to our ward.  The primary children sang. (my last primary child to sing a mother's day song, Kaylie participated)

I've been struggling, so I kept our family unusually busy this weekend.  Saturday was a spaghetti dinner fundraiser, and Sunday was jam packed.  The missionaries came for dinner around 4pm.

We had taco salad for dinner, a iced brownie...then the Missionaries got to call their Mama's.  Elder Peterson's family in Utah and Elder Lindsay's family in California.  They video chatted for a long time.  (longer than their allotted time, which was super fine by me)   I couldn't help but feel that our family would be blessed by not only having the Elders here, but allowing their families to be blessed by seeing them.  Then they visited with Rick about the smoking cessation program of our church.  He was impressed by it and asked them to come back on Monday night.  

Our day was so busy I almost didn't get to call my own Mother and wish her a Happy Mother's Day.  She's always done so much for me and my family.  I'm grateful for her.  I've needed her so much in the past six months.  She was here in October, then again for Lainey's birth in November, I saw her for Lainey's burial and then I talked her into coming for Easter.  So grateful she could be with us, we've certainly needed her.  

This experience of loosing Lainey has made me just so incredibly home sick, for home, for my family, for my friends, very isolating.  

The family got me some sweet Pandora Charms!  Finally!!!  A lady bug for our little Lainey bug, a bead and a flower charm.  Love them!  Of course candy and flowers.  So fun and so blessed.  The absolute best part of my family day was when we all played the Heads Up game on Lexie's Ipad Mini.  We laughed at some of the things happening, Kodi, "It's a movie, with that tin man with no brain..."  Lindsay had NO clue!  Fun, laughter, so needed.  

I'm grateful to be a Mother, I'm grateful for my family and my kids, in Heaven and on earth. 

Saturday before Mother's Day

I'd been so weepy and was at home Saturday morning with the girls.  We seemed to be quite busy, but I don't know why?!  The morning had gotten away from us and in the late afternoon Kaylie went to get the mail.  She came running in pleased to announce we had gotten a package.

I assumed it was a part Rick ordered and Kaylie insisted it was for me.  Expecting nothing, I still wasn't all that excited about it, then Kaylie said, "It's from Angie Bradner".  I sat down at the dining room table staring at the box before me.  Kaylie and Lexie gathered with excitement, then Kaylie got a knife to open the package.  The girls looked over at me and could see the tears flowing.

Perplexed Kaylie said, "why are you crying? you didn't even open it yet?"

I just needed that package.  I needed to feel the love.  I needed to be remembered.  It had been such a hard few weeks for me.  Meanwhile Angie was dealing with her Mother-in-law's declining health and passing.  But she took time to send me some love, some kind words and sentimental gifts.  I was so touched and blessed.  When we finished looking at everything I had to go into my room and have a good cry.

The past few weeks

Life has been normal for everyone, everyone but me.

Most are unaware of the unstopping tears that flow as I drive to work alone, past the vast cemeteries in our surrounding areas.  They are unavoidable.  My eyes scan the headstones, looking for something all too familiar, infant headstones.  I don't always see them, but I know they are there.  I imagine the poor women like myself mourning their lost babies.  I imagine their families sad faces.  I can almost hear their cries.  I think why didn't I sob at the cemetery? Why didn't I just throw myself right down beside Lainey and sob?  I wanted too, I needed too.  I wanted everyone to witness the indescribable pain.  Unless you have been through the same thing, no one can totally understand it. Why didn't I do it?  Sometimes a small blue tent will be standing among graves, telling of someone's recent loss.  My heart hurts, the tears flow, people are suffering.

Mother's Day is approaching, too many people are talking about it.  On Facebook there are posts everywhere about the "bereaved" mother, loosing a child too soon.  A constant reminder that I am such a mother.  A reminder that my children are not with me.  My mind drifts to the infants buried and then the pregnancy loss at 8 weeks and 12 & 1/2.  Do those babies count too?  Do I have 4 babies waiting for me?  Four in Heaven and four on earth?

I keep my tender emotions hidden, most do not see them.  I fall into bed nearly every night with a weighted heart held tight to my chest.  Lainey's exact weight, laying on me, just as she did in the hospital. Her still little body, against mine.  What I wouldn't give to have that moment back.

The silent tears flow, the grief remains, this life is hard, but I'm still living it.