Dear Lainey,
You've been gone for 10 long months. I often hold our weighted Molly Bear before bed to feel you close to me. It's been a long hard summer. I welcome fall, it's my favorite time of the year.
I sometimes feel bitter that we didn't get to see you open your eyes or hear your voice. When those thoughts come in I push them out, knowing Heavenly Father knows what is best for our family.
I cried the other night to Daddy about the sucky extra weight I have to lose! I'd take it to have you, but it's just another cruel reality that you are gone. I did all that, went through all that for what? To give you back? Frustrating for sure.
Daddy slept an entire night holding your Molly Bear. I was so grateful, because he didn't hold you here on earth, he just couldn't. He didn't hold your brother either, it's much too painful. He suffers too, I forget that at times.
Often I go to bed hoping, wishing you'll visit me in my dreams. I'd love to know what you are doing. I wonder if you are watching our life, maybe like in a football stand cheering us on, celebrating when we get something right. I wonder if you are disappointed when we get it wrong, seems like we sure have gotten plenty wrong.
You are loved, you are missed, you are thought about and spoken of often.
Love, Mommy
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