I am really proud that I have not allowed myself to live in the land of "what ifs". I've learned so much since the last time I was in this position. It takes a conscience effort to not dwell in the past.
Yes, I've done very well. Honestly you have no idea how well.
For a moment I want to write about it, I want to go there...I want to be write about my unfulfilled wishes.
Why, why couldn't she be born alive?
Why couldn't we see her open her eyes?
Why couldn't we hear her voice?
Why couldn't we have her even if for only a few moments?
I wanted my family to see her alive, why couldn't we see her alive?
We only had her 7 weeks and 3 days, why couldn't we have her longer?
I got cheated out of enjoying my pregnancy, feeling her move.
I didn't even know she existed until she was almost gone.
If I would have realized she wouldn't have lived, I would have recorded her alive in a sonogram so I could watch her move.
Why did I have to do this twice?
Why do other trisomy 18 babies live?
Why do I have to suffer postpartum?
Why the hair loss, the weight gain...for no baby?
Why not give me a break? If I have to give her back (which I willingly did) can't you let the weight just fall off?
Why do people abandon their babies when I would have done anything to keep mine?
I should be preparing for a first birthday, and a second Christmas.
Smokey should be laying at the base of Lainey's cradle watching over her.
There should be diapers to change, blankets to wash, a baby girl to bathe.
It makes me so mad that God thinks I can handle this again.
It makes me worry that the loss of my sweet babies is in preparation for a greater loss.
What could be greater?
I've buried two children, I do not want to bury any more.
Sometimes I want to be angry with God. I may allow it for a split second, but the spirit helps me reel those feelings back in almost as soon as they are cast out.
These moment are ever so brief, I just don't allow them. If I did, they could destroy me, my progress and my family.
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