I haven't been posting, though I need to write. I can't totally confess to wallowing, but I have my moments. I feel like people get tired of those moments, so they are usually kept private.
Someone tried to hand me a baby shower invitation a few weeks ago, I hesitated in taking it. I got the impression (or maybe it was even stated) you've got to start (doing this) sometime. I took the invitation knowing I would not be in attendance. Certainly not for a shower before a baby is born. There is no guarantee.
I want to say I've been feeling better, but there is this underlying little black rain cloud hanging around. I really try not to dwell on the past, I am still in that rut, that postpartum rut. I find little satisfaction in things right now. Overall loneliness and depression.
I still think most would be surprised by this as I still joke and have fun...it's those quiet moments, alone time in the car, inability to accomplish tasks, little desire to do so.
I saw online where a popular actress was seeking treatment for postpartum, her baby is 10 months old. Validation I'm not crazy, that it is real and that I haven't been delivered from it yet.
The 11th month mark came and went, I didn't acknowledge it to anyone, as I said people grow tired of hearing it. Yet part of me is dying, 11 months since I've held my girl? 11 months away from her.
October 1st hit and I had this slight panic attack, it was the month before November. The month before November arrived! November is the month we lost Lainey.
My birthday is coming up, I just don't want any acknowledgement of it, I don't want well wishes. If anyone understood what' I've been through they would understand it's not the great celebratory day they think.
See how miserable I am? I'm just not through the postpartum yet.
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