2nd Birthday in Heaven

Today is Lainey's 2nd Birthday in Heaven.  She has been gone for two years; 24 months; 104 weeks; 730 ish days...

Ricky's birthday seemed far more difficult; he was expected to live, but died and died without warning.  We had placed him in holidays, birthdays, school, marriage, grand babies...the loss of him was shocking.  We were young and so naive.

Lainey's birthday while difficult doesn't seem to emit the same emotion.  She was not expected to live and she didn't.  We didn't place her in holidays with birthdays and milestones.  We were far more aged and naivety had long gone, we knew all too well that an infants life could be snatched at anytime, and it was, twice.

Last year we honored Lainey by doing random acts of kindness during the month of November.  In an effort to minimize Rick's suffering I hadn't spoken about how to cherish Lainey's memory this year.  I'm mad at myself for putting it off, part of it is "life" gets in the way.  Another part is not facing it to avoid painful emotions.   So many of my friends send me little lady but pictures or sweet thoughts reminding me that my sweet girl has touched lives.  I'm so very grateful, each message is treasured and saved.  (In fact, I'm making a book with them!)

I struggle with my position in the world.  I didn't go through all this for nothing and yet I have had no profound impact on others.  It's frustrating to hold a social work degree and to not be a social worker, except that I have an awesome job, boss and co-workers.  I just miss helping people, really helping people.

As I contemplated how to make the biggest impact I was reminded of one sweet gift I received from my friend KyAnn. (among many which all have a special meaning) It was a simple illustrated book.

This book shared a lovely story about two horses very much in love, so much so they wanted a colt of their own.  Blinded by their love for their baby they couldn't even see that their baby wasn't like other colts.  She was tiny with a red shell and polka dots.   She was a ladybug and these sweet happy proud parents would soon learn that their precious ladybug would not live a long life of work, eating hay and galloping through pastures...They found her life would be short and sweet eating bugs and flying. While incredibly sad they decided to enjoy their time with her and make many memories...

It's such a profoundly sweet story, which was so indeed true in our situation.  I then decided that this year to honor Lainey I would purchase as many copies of this book that I could to donate to mine and other Obstetricians office and to libraries.  This book would be helpful to share with young children who may experience a tragic loss within their own families and help heal hearts of grieving parents.
The books will share the message posted below:

LOVE FROM LAINEY 

Lainey passed away in November 2014 just before delivery due to complications 

associated with Triomy 18.

Our family wants to remember Lainey by sharing this sweet story which gave us much comfort through out are very difficult time.  

To learn more about Lainey: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/loveforlainey

To share your experience: #lovefromlainey

Or email us at lovefromlainey@gmail.com

                If you'd like to join me in honoring our sweet girl you may do so in many ways; serving others, sending a sweet note of encouragement to a friend or neighbor, a random act of kindness or you can order your own copy to donate by following this link: The Gift of the Ladybug.  I'm happy to find a donation site as well if you'd prefer to send the book directly to me.  

Thank you to everyone who remembers Lainey with each little ladybug and thank you so much for sharing your "site-ings" with me, they are a source of great comfort for our entire family.

Lainey is greatly loved and greatly missed.  

The Sunday Seven 11-13-2016

1. I saw the doctor this week to review blood test results...everything came back fine.  We talked about his weight, my weight, how we both need to just do it, but time, effort, energy...He doesn't have 80 extra pounds of baby weight to lose!

2.  Monday night rehearsal went well.  I'm looking forward to holiday concerts.  I think I might invite Aunt B (I used to teach her great niece piano) and my neighbor Ms. Long to my concert at the beginning of December.  It'll be a nice night.

3.  Not one but TWO root canals on Thursday.  Sigh...another negative to pregnancy for me...inability to brush my teeth without gagging and throwing up.  Joy!  Now I must hang on until I can get my crowns!  Augh!


4.  Friday I didn't go in to work, I spent the morning preparing for our Young Woman Book of Mormon Read-A-Thon.  It started Friday at noon and ended Saturday at noon.   Can I just tell you it was hard and fabulous all at the same time?!  We wanted to help the girls read the Book of Mormon!  They were to have started by reading some at home, we'd read the bulk of the Book and they'll need to finish!

5.  Our awesome Stake President stopped by around 12:30 to share his testimony of the Book of Mormon.  So profound and I could really feel the spirit of his words.  He discussed with the girls where the book came from...how we use the King James Version of the Bible, he spoke on how that record is of a people in Jerusalem...he spoke of Christoper Columbus coming to the America's and finding people here.  He explained The Book of Mormon was written by the people in America and how they too received a testimony of Christ as he visited them.  The Book is Another Testimony of Christ! 

6.  We had guest readers, we listened to the Book of Mormon, we had food, lots and lots of food.  We took turns reading allowed together, we took turns reading like we had British accents, southern accents, as if we were a preacher, like the whale from Finding Nemo.  We made a human pyramid and we did the Mannequin challenge that's popular right now.  The girls colored, they braided hair, they laughed, they had fun.  Some of them were snoring by 9pm, others waited until midnight, a select few hung in there until 3:30 (I myself being one of them) and then others laid down at 6.  We were all awake by 8 for a pancake breakfast and to finish reading.  

7.  It was such an awesome experience.  I am so blessed and grateful to be apart of this church.  I told the girls, we don't do this sort of stuff because we have nothing better to do!  It's because we love them and we know the church is true.  As exhausted as we all were I was just so surprised by the feelings I received from helping and being apart of this event.  

I am blessed!

Dream On

this classic hit from Aerosmith, continues "dream until your dreams come true".  Wouldn't that be so nice?

I'm reminded of my personal sense of humor which interprets "Dream On" as, "yeah right, dream on" your dreams are too far fetched.  (Half empty kind of a mind) 

On a fun trip this summer my simple Canon point and shoot camera got broken.  I'd had it for 10 years and it was a great camera.  So I need a camera, I'm shocked at how many times I go for my camera and I don't have one!  A camera!  People say, "use your cell those have such good cameras in them now..."  Problem is storage.  A cell phone is a short term solution.

I knew that I'd be receiving extra money in the near future for a fall bonus at work.  I'd knew that now was the time for buying a camera.  I asked the opinion of everyone I knew who takes pictures about cameras, lenses...I researched, I shopped around.  I settled myself on a Canon 80D.  Far more money than I have ever spent on myself at one time.  

Thing is, part of my fuel for a decent camera is so that I may be able to help the organization NILMDTS.  The same organization that placed a photographer in my room for Lainey's birth, a person detached enough from our family to chronicle our limited time with her.  We have two terrible polaroids of Ricky.  Any idea what it feels like to wonder what your child looked like?  Long for a chance to see him again because you only had  a brief few minutes with him after delivering him.  It's horrible.  The NILMDTS photographer in our area is back to college, a mom, a wife.  She doesn't have the time to volunteer as much; which means people in our area are going without these services.  

I've wanted to volunteer even before we had Lainey.  I actually dream about the experience.  I have had DREAMS about being in the situation and photographing families living in their worst nightmare so they may have memories of their sweet babies.  

It's a big decision to spend money on myself.  I totally fretted, wondered, researched, weighted the consequences of no camera, camera...I finally convinced myself I was going to do buy my camera. 

I mentioned this to a friend and she said, "I could never spend that kind of money on myself". 

Dream on.

Went through all those emotions all over, weighted all the things I go without; a broken wedding band, a limited wardrobe, virtually no jewelry maybe 6 pairs of shoes, 2 handbags, I don't do manicures EVER, maybe a pedicure once a year...I'm a minimalist.  I reviewed all the money spent on Rick's hobbies, hunting, guns, ammo...and I know a camera is small in comparison. Difference is he can spend the money on himself and I can't, I just can't be that selfish when we have bills to pay. 

Bonus comes in, more than I expected and enough to spend that money on myself...

for Root Canals. They had been needed since having Lainey, it was finally one time when enough money would fall into my hand to have it done.  Now it's expense of two crowns.  When I realized I wouldn't be buying myself a camera, I cried.  I honestly cried hard. 

Dream on, you won't be getting a camera anytime soon. 

I don't get it, I don't understand how it is I have a social work degree, having had two infant losses, I'm good with helping others, I like to help others and I'm not actually doing that work.  Did I go through all this to help no one?

I often wake up asking God, "How do I serve you today"? 

I sincerely do want to serve, it's so hard to do that at times. 

I had a thought and that was to reach out to Canon or Nikon ...and just plead my case and ask...now I wait.  Either on them or a lump sump of money that won't be allocated for crowns, braces, another car...

Dream on

The Sunday Seven 11-6-2016

1. 10/30/2016;  Sat in church with Rick, it was so good to have him there with me.  This is the date of Ricky's burial 23 years ago.  Sigh.  Totally disturbed and grouchy that Rick left after sacrament. Wishing his commitment level were different...alas...

We had played Rummy the night before and Rick beat me by some 200 points!  I let him gloat for a bit, then I started in on the subtle hints that I let him win.  It got to him, because he challenged me to play again tonight, and I beat him effortlessly by 200 points!  Game on!  Now he believes I let him win!  Ha

2.  Halloween:  Kids were off school and I had to work, story of my life.  So I got to work early and my boss asked why I was so early.  I told him, then he told me to leave early but clock out at the regular time.  He is so awesome!  I was blessed.

3.  Left work early and drove all over looking for pumpkins to carve!  They were nearly nowhere to be found.  We live in the South people, you can't even buy them until Halloween because they will rot from the heat!  Found several on a very good deal and brought them home to waiting kids!  I think they turned out great:  In order of artistry:  Lexie, Colby, Kaylie, Kaylie.  It was shocking how quite people were while working on this project!

4.  The rest of our work week was uneventful, worked at Chek through Thursday and then at N2it Realty on Friday.  Rick left town for work and we were left on our own. Kids ran in two different directions Friday night; roller skating and a football game. Kodi and I just hung out watching the ID channel.  We get sucked in to terrible crimes, then I'm afraid to take the dog out before bed! HA

5.  Saturday morning I was up bright and early headed to Orchestra rehearsal in Mooresville.  We are working out bowing for upcoming concerts, it was good and I felt like I played well.  I'm so thankful to have a community orchestra!

6.  Saturday afternoon and evening I spent at church.  A world wide online teaching in-service and our Fall Stake Conference where we heard from the Temple President and wife, our Mission President and his wife among others.  The topic:  Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy.  The gist is, if you keep the Sabbath Day observance; remembering our Savior then you will live the commandments, you will have him with you to make good choices and decisions.  Someone spoke on making a Sunday family habit; Church, family time like games or a good movie, visiting relatives. The point was made, "what you do on Sunday is most often what your children do on Sunday".  "If you shop or buy pizza on Sunday, your kids are more likely to do the same".  That really struck a nerve with me, as a child of non-member parents I used to fight to observe Sunday.  Begging not to have to mow on Sunday, but to mow on Monday.  I did not shop, eat out, make anyone else work on a Sunday.  I still try to observe the Sabbath, but know I can find more worthy Sunday family activities to do with my children.

7.  Which brings me to today!  I had suggested to friends that we hike the mile long hike along Lake Norman in the state park, we'd have breakfast together and then head out.  Once we came back home we'd watch General Conference Addresses on TV that I had recorded.   They came over, we had waffles and eggs and left for the park.  Melissa had brought Colby and Idalis and I had Kaylie, Lexie and Smokey.  It was a beautiful day! I wanted to be out in the fresh air, get some exercise and view the beautiful fall colors.   As we started our hike someone commented, "Oh, we didn't bring any water".  I replied, "That's okay, it's only a mile long hike we'll be out of here in 35 minutes"!

It was then that Melissa's family began to proclaim that the smallest hike is 3 miles.  I couldn't believe it!  We had already started our hike!  We would have to go 3 miles!  Throughout the hike I kept saying, "I swear we have hiked only a mile here before!"  Sure enough, we had to hike at the very least 3 miles, with no water!  I was happy to notice a marker with writing up ahead of me only to learn we had only gone half a mile, then a mile, then a mile and a half, then two miles, then two and a half miles, then three miles and my car was still what seemed like forever up a hill in the parking lot!  What started out as a pleasure hike to get fall pictures quickly became a hike of survival.  I could no longer enjoy the beautiful fall decor I had to watch my footing as I huffed and puffed up and down the trails!  Obviously we made it home, muscles warmed from the work, it felt good to accomplish this task.  I feel like we all had a good time, followed by great brownies!  

The Sunday Seven 10-30-2016

1.  Monday was senior soccer night and Lexie was asked to escort her favorite young man Colby onto the field.  It was a sweet moment, Colby's family there, church friends there and it was his last home soccer game.  They announced Senior Colby Myers #19 escorted by Ms. Lexie Liptrap accompanied by his parents...they went on to announce activities he's involved in; church, scouts...then they announced his future plans.  A year at BYU before serving a 2 year mission for the LDS church.  

The audible "ohs and ahs" from the audience was telling, people were impressed and maybe a bit surprised.  It was a good night.

2.  Wednesday night Lexie was off shooting and Kaylie opted to go to her last middle school football game.  It was the traditional trunk or treat at church with a chili cook off.  I had been on the fence about going anyway, so I just decided to stay home.  The first time I went to this activity at this ward I was pregnant with Lainey.  I had been writing on caring bridge about her condition and our lives.  A woman from across the table, shyly stated, "I've been reading your blog, and I've been praying for you".  It's so hard to know who, knew what, when.  I remember feeling a bit shocked but grateful someone knew.  It was a night I didn't want to face.

3.  The same day was filled with much dread of the anticipation of my birthday.  As stupid as that sounds.  Felt weepy mostly all day.  Gave myself permission to suffer if I wanted to.  Stupid I know!  

    

4.  My 45th birthday arrived, off to work.  Some text well wishes, Facebook notifications about my birthday...I walk in work to find the whole crew having breakfast and on my desk was a dozen dunkin donuts.  I took my donuts out to the table and shared my birthday treat with everyone.  The guys were extra chatty, we joked and had fun.  My phone kept lighting up from messages.  Despite my biggest efforts to feel miserable, my day was shaping up!

5.  Arrived home to a clean kitchen, with a birthday cake made by the girls and dinner purchased by Kodi.  Rick was away at Martinsville.  So we sat around and watched the newest "Ellen" Halloween videos featuring her producer Andy, and we laughed and laughed!  I love to laugh!

6.  I held off going to bed as long as possible, it's the alone quiet moments that can be the worst.  I finally settled myself into my room and I sat on the floor with Ricky's box of things.  I looked over his baby blanket, which surprisingly smelled like a hospital.  I looked over the booty socks he was buried in, I kept a set of them.  I looked over his little handkerchief hat, his hair (so much lighter than Lainey) his death certificate, his photographs.  I spent a few minutes thinking of that night, then I reached for the 6 lb. 3 on. weighted heart someone made for me and I held it on my chest as I feel asleep.  23 years in Heaven. 

7.  Friday night was spent at the Mooresville vs. Lake Norman Rival football game.  It was CROWDED, like ridiculously crowded.  I saw so many people I knew and loved, people who had blessed my life the 15 years while living in Mooresville.  I enjoyed watching people more so than the game.  Several Young Women from my old ward were in the marching band, I got to visit with them.  A hug from an old neighbor, sitting with another neighbor.  It felt so good to be surrounded by familiar people in a familiar place.  We lost and headed home.  I had been thinking, "We could move back here, the girls were off with old friends, I think I might like to move back, I work in Mooresville, Rick works south of Mooresville..."  All feelings of nostalgia were suddenly lost when Lexie said, "I sure don't miss that place"!  Sigh...guess we'll just stay put!  :) 

23 Years

23 years ago around this time our world stopped.  By this time our family had heard the news and rushed to be at our side in the hospital as we waited to bring our sweet son into this world, still.

There would be no need for the crib, all the wonderful shower gifts from just a few days before.  There will be no birthdays to celebrate, no first steps, no teeth coming in, no first day of school, no baptism, no graduation from high school or college.  There would be no sweet heart, or wife and no grand-babies.

Just empty arms, a gaping hole in our hearts and a seeping wound that would never heal.

Tomorrow night around 9 pm will be the first and only time I held your sweet little body, hello and goodbye all at once.

I honestly didn't think I would survive, somehow 23 years have passed.  I can't even say it went by in a blink of an eye, it didn't.  This time on earth is dragging on, feels like an eternity until I'm with you again.

Happy Heavenly 23rd Birthday Son.  I love you and can't wait to see you again!

Sunday Seven 10-16-2016

1.  Two days ago was Lainey's 23rd month in Heaven. Sigh.

2.  Ditched orchestra to attend a high school soccer game with friends.  I enjoy watching sporting events especially when I know players.

3.  Missed church Wednesday night because Lexie needed to be in Denver.  She participates in a shooting program and Rick was unavailable to take her at the last minute.  It was fun to see her expression when she did well.  She was very happy with her performance.  It was the first time I had sat to relax all day, so I was pretty much comatose by the time she was finished!

4. We spent Friday night at a football game!  Our high school against Gannon's high school.  He is a young man that attends our ward.  Love the youth of our ward!  Final score  Maiden 56 Bandys 40. It was a good game though and we totally enjoyed seeing Gannon play!.  Got home late, late, late!

5.  Received this text message from Lindsay, who lives in Arlington now:  "I went to the temple tonight to do a session and when I was walking up the stairs there was a Lady Bug on the wall".  Awe, it did my heart so good to hear.  I appreciate Heavenly Father giving us a definite reminder of our girl, I'm so grateful she is near and with our family regularly.

6.  Up early on Saturday, headed to the temple to see an eternal family made!  I had previously written (October 2015) and did not publish these words about this man.  (why did I not publish this?)

In our church we refer to each other as Brother and Sister.  My dear friend Regina became a member of the church some 12 years ago.  Her equally dear husband Marty did not.  In fact he wasn't interested.  He made friends, he served with people, he even introduced himself as the Bishop but he wasn't a member and didn't feel the need.

He and Regina had come to see me play in the Orchestra a few years ago.  Marty would always tease me, "When you playin that fiddle?"  I'd reply, "When you gettin baptized?"  This went on for quite sometime.

At the first of the year, after the loss of Lainey, I started back with the Orchestra.  I had to do something for myself.  Weeks into it, I just lost interest.  I didn't want to go, I didn't want to take the time.  I would have to leave for work at 7 am on Monday's and not return home until after Orchestra often at 9 pm.

Just as I was about to give up on Orchestra all together, I had this hint of an impression, "If you don't start practicing now, you won't be ready."  (It was implied that I wouldn't be ready to play for Marty's baptism)

So I continued.  Then I received this facebook message:

Dottie!!!! BIG NEWS!!!!! Get your fiddle ready....Marty is getting baptized on October 11th!! You don't have to play but we'd love it if you can come. Love ya!!

How could I say no to this?!

So I got busy, found a song, found someone to play with me and I practiced.  I prayed, I practiced, I felt emotional every time I thought about it.  I prepared myself and asked Heavenly Father to help my performance to be perfect!

The day arrived, I had driven the 40 minutes to the Chapel and tuned with the piano.  Initially the chapel was quite empty, something I hadn't expected.  I prayed for more people to come (which is crazy since I was nervous) but people came, more and more.  The program started, it was time for the baptism AND there were so many people, most could not even see it happen!

The moment had arrived, it was time to play.  The piano started, then I started...then in the middle of my page two the air conditioner kicked on and with it my page started to flutter off my stand!

I had to stop in mid bow stroke, rescue my paper and pick back up in the song!  I don't remember much beyond that point.  The song ended, I sat down.

I immediately knew the lesson to be learned.  That it's ok, if it's not perfect.  It's okay if I did my best, these were my Brothers and Sisters and it just didn't matter.  I could do something most in the room could not.  It will be okay for me to play in public as a sign of worship.

I'm glad for that experience!  Most said, I did great.  I had to comment about my music, and everyone could see what had happened.  But I heard, "My gosh, you just fixed it and started right back where you left off!"

I'm so grateful Marty finally made the choice to be baptized and I am blessed and honored to be a part of it!

Congratulations Brother Martykins!

A year later, this week I attended the Temple to witness this beautiful family become a forever family.  As I applied my makeup in the early morning hours, I paused just before I added my mascara, then I realized, I don't need it, I'll just be crying it off...So true!  Looking at Regina, looking at Marty and all those who have loved their family for years...knowing the prayers, the tears, the faith that it has taken to see Marty progress to this point, it was so beautiful!.

7.  I came home exhausted but with a renewed dedication to the church that I love.  I'm so thankful for a perfect church, filled with imperfect people trying to serve The Lord.  

The Sunday Seven 10-9-2016

1.  A long time ago I followed a blog of a woman who did a Sunday Six/Seven.  She posted about her week all on one day.  I need to journal, I need to do this, so I am attempting the Sunday Seven!

2.  Orchestra rehearsal on Monday, all ready for our concert this weekend.  I was first chair for this performance, so I HAD to be there.

3.  Wednesday Kaylie had to take pictures for a school football game.  She is on the yearbook committee in 8th grade at school.  So I picked her up from that, and we missed the youth corn maze!  I saw pictures the kids posted, looked like an aMAZEing time!  

4.  A terrible Hurricane, Michael, was coming up the coast we had lots of rain.  I spent all day in Mooresville on Friday for work, only to have to drive home, get my violin and drive back to Mooresville for rehearsal!  Bleh!  But rehearsal went well and I felt more prepared.  

5.  Saturday Lexie and I set out to find her some church dresses...only at noon, Colby decided they should for sure go to Homecoming!  From 12 until 4 we shopped, in this store, that store, back in the same stores, found a dress, found some shoes, found a tie, painted nails, had some angry frustrating moments, a few tears, but got home in time for Lexie to get ready for homecoming.  She had a fabulous evening!  

6.  Church on Sunday, it was good, but the floors had recently been redone and oh my gosh I was so sick by the time we left!  My mouth was dry, my nose was running...it was AWFUL!  I had to conduct the congregational hymns and that is most difficult when your mouth is dry!  

7.  Due to the terrible rain our concert was postponed until Sunday afternoon.  I generally don't participate in concerts on Sundays, but since I was first chair of my section I felt obligated.  So I got home from Church, told my family there were on their own for food and headed out the door!  The concert went well, it was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and I was grateful to make beautiful music!

A very busy week, but one filled with fun and blessings.  

Fathers Day

While reflecting on Father's Day this year I couldn't help but think of my husband as a Father.  That Father of all my babies, my husband of 25 years.  He works hard for our family, too hard at times.  It's rare that he takes time to enjoy our presence. 

 (perhaps it has to do with arguing or complaining...)  

One thought that continually ran through my head was about all the sacrifices 

he has made to be a father.  

A year after Lainey had passed we were able to go to the cemetery as a family to see the marker for her and Ricky.  The need for me to go there had been so great, unlike after we had lost Ricky.  Somehow I feel drawn to this place more and more.  Likely because the distance prevents me from going at my leisure.  

We were so disappointed, on that cool Thanksgiving Day, to find the marker was almost entirely covered with weeds.  It had sunken into the earth and grass had overtaken it.  This caused immediate distress for Rick and he instantly knelt beside the resting place of our kids and got to work.  He pulled all the weeds around the marker, then we scrambled for something to scrub the head stone with, a bit of water and paper towels, nothing in our car completely suited for the task.  It was work that had to be done and we both knew it.  Just as the work that had to be done when our babies had died.  

Rick had to dedicate each tiny grave, one for each of our babies born still, 21 years apart.   There would be no one else to do it.  Much like there is no one else to clean this tiny grave site marker. 

Rick and I are far from perfect parents.  We have made many mistakes along the way.  Even though we have lost two babies at nearly full term, I can't help but feel favored of The Lord.  He knew we'd accept the task of having these children and he knew we would still love and praise him, when they returned home with him, instead of home with our family.  

Though not easy to be apart from our children, we accept Father's will and try to live our best lives that we may be with our family again one day.  

These are the most poignant images I have of Rick as the Father of my children: