I'm reminded of my personal sense of humor which interprets "Dream On" as, "yeah right, dream on" your dreams are too far fetched. (Half empty kind of a mind)
On a fun trip this summer my simple Canon point and shoot camera got broken. I'd had it for 10 years and it was a great camera. So I need a camera, I'm shocked at how many times I go for my camera and I don't have one! A camera! People say, "use your cell those have such good cameras in them now..." Problem is storage. A cell phone is a short term solution.
I knew that I'd be receiving extra money in the near future for a fall bonus at work. I'd knew that now was the time for buying a camera. I asked the opinion of everyone I knew who takes pictures about cameras, lenses...I researched, I shopped around. I settled myself on a Canon 80D. Far more money than I have ever spent on myself at one time.
Thing is, part of my fuel for a decent camera is so that I may be able to help the organization NILMDTS. The same organization that placed a photographer in my room for Lainey's birth, a person detached enough from our family to chronicle our limited time with her. We have two terrible polaroids of Ricky. Any idea what it feels like to wonder what your child looked like? Long for a chance to see him again because you only had a brief few minutes with him after delivering him. It's horrible. The NILMDTS photographer in our area is back to college, a mom, a wife. She doesn't have the time to volunteer as much; which means people in our area are going without these services.
I've wanted to volunteer even before we had Lainey. I actually dream about the experience. I have had DREAMS about being in the situation and photographing families living in their worst nightmare so they may have memories of their sweet babies.
It's a big decision to spend money on myself. I totally fretted, wondered, researched, weighted the consequences of no camera, camera...I finally convinced myself I was going to do buy my camera.
I mentioned this to a friend and she said, "I could never spend that kind of money on myself".
Dream on.
Went through all those emotions all over, weighted all the things I go without; a broken wedding band, a limited wardrobe, virtually no jewelry maybe 6 pairs of shoes, 2 handbags, I don't do manicures EVER, maybe a pedicure once a year...I'm a minimalist. I reviewed all the money spent on Rick's hobbies, hunting, guns, ammo...and I know a camera is small in comparison. Difference is he can spend the money on himself and I can't, I just can't be that selfish when we have bills to pay.
Bonus comes in, more than I expected and enough to spend that money on myself...
for Root Canals. They had been needed since having Lainey, it was finally one time when enough money would fall into my hand to have it done. Now it's expense of two crowns. When I realized I wouldn't be buying myself a camera, I cried. I honestly cried hard.
Dream on, you won't be getting a camera anytime soon.
I don't get it, I don't understand how it is I have a social work degree, having had two infant losses, I'm good with helping others, I like to help others and I'm not actually doing that work. Did I go through all this to help no one?
I often wake up asking God, "How do I serve you today"?
I sincerely do want to serve, it's so hard to do that at times.
I had a thought and that was to reach out to Canon or Nikon ...and just plead my case and ask...now I wait. Either on them or a lump sump of money that won't be allocated for crowns, braces, another car...
Dream on
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