14

14.

September 14th.

two months away from November 14th.

three years away from Lainey then.

Looked at her shutterfly book I made tonight, felt this tinge of anger, "why give her to me at all?"

Some times the 14th of the month goes unnoticed, other times it's noticed very well.

I do think some would be so surprised by the amount of suffering there still is over the death of my girl.

I'm not suicidal, but I am ready for this earthly life to be over.  I shouldn't be wishing it away, but it sucks so bad at times.

Salt to the wound these days:  After Ricky passed, there were all these anniversaries, birthdays, holidays he missed.  We had envisioned him in them, and one by one as they approached, the pain was so close to the surface.

Knowing Lainey's condition was fatal, a blessing and a curse.  We didn't place her in our holidays, birthdays and such.  However, as I look back on Facebook memories, September 8th, 2014 I announced we were moving.  (didn't know I was pregnant)  Saw my college graduation pictures, look at myself and realize, I was pregnant there.  Pregnant in Kodi's graduation pictures, pregnant in this, in that, going here, going there.  I now look at those memories and realize I had her with me and I didn't even know it.  I had her with me longer than I knew, I could have loved her longer, I could have cherished her more.  But I didn't know.

As those memories pop up, particularly of the year 2014, of all those things I did, while I didn't even know I was pregnant, it's salt in a wound.

How would our world look today, with Lainey in it?  I know how it looks without her, it sucks.