a happy go lucky, thriving, strong person, who has been through so much and has bounced back. Much like the plants in my garden I do get through many things. That's what everyone thinks. In some aspect it's true. I feel like after the death of Lainey, God was with me and held me close. He filled me with the spirit and I was able to proclaim my gratitude.
In all reality, I'm not thriving, not like I want everyone to think I am. I'm ripped to shreds, torn down, lifeless. My attempts to build a life here have been in vain. No matter how I try to fill my calendar, nothing seems to divert my attention from the complete isolation, nothing.
It doesn't mean I don't believe or that I blame God. It's me that's so out of touch with him. The fight to get back is overwhelming, because to get back to him I'd have to allow myself to feel.
To feel is to hurt.
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