A few words about grief for people who have never buried their baby...

the loss of a baby is not just the loss of a baby.

it is the loss of a child.  

it is the loss of first smile, first tooth, first day of school, birthdays, family pictures, graduation, marriage, and grandchildren.  

it is the loss of your future with them.

it is hopes and dreams dashed.

it is the devastation of all your friends and family.  

it is watching your parents, your siblings, your children, your friends suffer.

and knowing their pain is brought on by you.  (not on purpose of course)

it is awkward silence. 

it is life changing.

if you come out of it, you are never the same person.

without people realizing it you are silently judged for not being that same person.  

initially you fight to get out of bed.

then a week and a month go by.

slowly you realize you don't cry everyday anymore.

you begin to think "I'm doing better".  

without warning tears flow.

sometimes you avoid babies.

then you are judged for avoiding babies.

you avoid baby showers.

you are judged for avoiding baby showers.  

people get angry with you for avoiding those things which are normally expected.

people want you to "get over it".

people tell you things like "it's for the best".

people will tell you, "it's not the babies fault".

friends and family get tired of hearing about it.

after a time people are surprised you are still talking about your baby.

they get tired of your depression.

they want you to snap out of it.

days that you do snap out of it, you are so proud.

unexpectedly you are enjoying a great moment when something triggers your loss.

you cry.

people around you feel bad.

you feel bad, but can't help it. 

you strategically avoid situations that might make others uncomfortable.

like not attend their baby shower weeks after your loss.

you consider their occasion as happy, and you don't want people to be reminded of your loss.  

it's not that you aren't happy for them and their baby.

it's that you are so incredibly sad to say goodbye to yours.

not to mention, YOU ARE HORMONAL.

how long did it take you to get back to yourself after delivery of a living baby?  

just imagine how much longer it takes to get back to yourself after burying a baby.

especially when the milk comes in with no baby to nurse. 

and when there won't be another baby.

or there is little hope of having another.

grief takes time.

grief needs understanding.

there is no time frame by which the grief should end.

none.

if you are getting up, showering, going to work then you are working through your grief.

you should be applauded.

some days are better than others.

at first you have bad days.

eventually you have only bad moments in your days.

sometimes you even have an entire day that was good.  

if you have several in a row, you sometimes feel guilt.

you love your baby and don't want to ever forget him and her.  

sometimes you can't love on other babies.

if you do, people think you are trying to replace your baby with that one.

if you do, people are watching to see how you react.

if you find yourself in a moment of happiness with someone else's baby you feel guilt.

again, you wouldn't want your baby to be forgotten.  

if you don't love on other babies, you are judged.  

If after reading all this you still think, mothers who have buried their babies should "get over it".

consider this.

which one of your children are you willing to live without?

really, which one?

which one are you willing to never talk about again?

to not watch grow up?

marry?

have a family?

would you mind being judged because you avoid children their age? 

how about avoiding family gatherings that might be painful?

have your "inability to move on" talked about behind your back?

or to be excluded because you can't celebrate like you used too?

think you could "get over it" if it happened to you?

After losing a child you are forever changed.  

You are not the same.

You shouldn't be expected to remain the same.  

Would you be?