Really, I'm ok

Am I?  I think so.  I have my moments.

After yesterday's post I am certain everyone who knows me and read my post most likely worried themselves about how they maybe had offended me.  The thing of it is, I love my friends and family, so I don't allow myself to become offended all that easily.  And I've had practice dealing with infant loss.

It really is impossible for someone who hasn't been through it to understand.  I've become tolerant of things people say in ignorance.  Those words don't hurt like they did the first time.  But for my new friends who've been through this, my heart hurts for them.  I know what they are living through and it's not fun.

That's why I am such an advocate of self care.

I have to get through this, I have to go on in this life, so I have to do whatever necessary to keep going.  I trust God's plan for my family and children.  I know it will be okay, and I am faithful.  But I am smart, I see no reason to put myself through torture.

Baby invitations right now go right in the trash.  I don't even feel bad about not attending or sending a gift.  Doesn't mean I don't love the family, the baby...it means I've got to protect myself.

(however this is softening)

I wasn't a big fan of showers before delivery anyway, I had one and then our baby died.

At church, when newborn babies are blessed, I used to be the person who would scribble down all the words I could, type it up and give it the families.  Always a well received gesture.  Not now, not today and that's okay.

If I'm having a bad moment in time and someone is demanding my time or attention, I simply say, "I am having a moment" then I take the time I need.

No one else is going to protect me quite like me.

If I want to talk about Lainey, I talk about her.  I'm certain at times it makes people uncomfortable, but she's my daughter, every bit as my other girls and if I want to say her name or talk about her I will.

That's the thing, just because she isn't living here on earth, doesn't make her any less of my daughter to me.

It's okay to decline family invitations, to avoid babies at church, to stay away from the baby isle at the store.  It's okay to cry, it's okay to talk about your child, your delivery, your loss.  It's okay to be emotional around anniversary dates, Mother's Day, the due date.  The 14th of every month because that's when your baby was born.  It's okay to not attend baby showers, it's okay not to fuss over new babies, it's ok really.

If you practice self care, really taking care of yourself, being true to who you are and where you are in your grief, you will be okay, Really.