Isolation

I don't know what it is that I need to learn these days.  And it's hard to admit, that at nearly 46 years old I have to beg for Heavenly Father to bless me with a friend, but oh my gosh, how lonely this time in my life.

Rick travels Wednesday-Saturday, spends Sunday recuperating, only to spend Monday and Tuesday preparing to leave.

I used to have a best friend here, her husband kept a similar schedule as mine, so we could commiserate together, we could have family dinners together.  She was my life line, gosh how I miss her.

In every area I've lived, church was my family, since my family lives so far away.  That's not the case here, after nearly 3 years in our ward, it's a family, but no "friends" (except the one who is about to move away)

I work in a shop full of men (9 of them) they are awesome, I love them...but they travel, and you just don't hang out with your male coworkers on the weekend, ya know?  Church is so far, people in our ward so far and most women work.  Work is a place for associations, but I work with men.

Some days I feel the isolation is slowly killing any joy I have for life, along with the pressures I raising teenagers.  The isolation is shutting me down, it's taking me over in the form of depression.

People say, "get involved with the kids school, the PTO, or something".  I do not have time for that! I'm involved in work, church, orchestra (only one night a week)...there is little other time for anything.

I talk to my bff nearly everyday, I Marco Polo with others...but to have lunch or go to a movie, I'm alone, then why bother...how pathetic, to go alone.

Our move to NC was riddled with depression, our move to Catawba could be described by the one work:  ISOLATION.

14

14.

September 14th.

two months away from November 14th.

three years away from Lainey then.

Looked at her shutterfly book I made tonight, felt this tinge of anger, "why give her to me at all?"

Some times the 14th of the month goes unnoticed, other times it's noticed very well.

I do think some would be so surprised by the amount of suffering there still is over the death of my girl.

I'm not suicidal, but I am ready for this earthly life to be over.  I shouldn't be wishing it away, but it sucks so bad at times.

Salt to the wound these days:  After Ricky passed, there were all these anniversaries, birthdays, holidays he missed.  We had envisioned him in them, and one by one as they approached, the pain was so close to the surface.

Knowing Lainey's condition was fatal, a blessing and a curse.  We didn't place her in our holidays, birthdays and such.  However, as I look back on Facebook memories, September 8th, 2014 I announced we were moving.  (didn't know I was pregnant)  Saw my college graduation pictures, look at myself and realize, I was pregnant there.  Pregnant in Kodi's graduation pictures, pregnant in this, in that, going here, going there.  I now look at those memories and realize I had her with me and I didn't even know it.  I had her with me longer than I knew, I could have loved her longer, I could have cherished her more.  But I didn't know.

As those memories pop up, particularly of the year 2014, of all those things I did, while I didn't even know I was pregnant, it's salt in a wound.

How would our world look today, with Lainey in it?  I know how it looks without her, it sucks.

2nd Birthday in Heaven

Today is Lainey's 2nd Birthday in Heaven.  She has been gone for two years; 24 months; 104 weeks; 730 ish days...

Ricky's birthday seemed far more difficult; he was expected to live, but died and died without warning.  We had placed him in holidays, birthdays, school, marriage, grand babies...the loss of him was shocking.  We were young and so naive.

Lainey's birthday while difficult doesn't seem to emit the same emotion.  She was not expected to live and she didn't.  We didn't place her in holidays with birthdays and milestones.  We were far more aged and naivety had long gone, we knew all too well that an infants life could be snatched at anytime, and it was, twice.

Last year we honored Lainey by doing random acts of kindness during the month of November.  In an effort to minimize Rick's suffering I hadn't spoken about how to cherish Lainey's memory this year.  I'm mad at myself for putting it off, part of it is "life" gets in the way.  Another part is not facing it to avoid painful emotions.   So many of my friends send me little lady but pictures or sweet thoughts reminding me that my sweet girl has touched lives.  I'm so very grateful, each message is treasured and saved.  (In fact, I'm making a book with them!)

I struggle with my position in the world.  I didn't go through all this for nothing and yet I have had no profound impact on others.  It's frustrating to hold a social work degree and to not be a social worker, except that I have an awesome job, boss and co-workers.  I just miss helping people, really helping people.

As I contemplated how to make the biggest impact I was reminded of one sweet gift I received from my friend KyAnn. (among many which all have a special meaning) It was a simple illustrated book.

This book shared a lovely story about two horses very much in love, so much so they wanted a colt of their own.  Blinded by their love for their baby they couldn't even see that their baby wasn't like other colts.  She was tiny with a red shell and polka dots.   She was a ladybug and these sweet happy proud parents would soon learn that their precious ladybug would not live a long life of work, eating hay and galloping through pastures...They found her life would be short and sweet eating bugs and flying. While incredibly sad they decided to enjoy their time with her and make many memories...

It's such a profoundly sweet story, which was so indeed true in our situation.  I then decided that this year to honor Lainey I would purchase as many copies of this book that I could to donate to mine and other Obstetricians office and to libraries.  This book would be helpful to share with young children who may experience a tragic loss within their own families and help heal hearts of grieving parents.
The books will share the message posted below:

LOVE FROM LAINEY 

Lainey passed away in November 2014 just before delivery due to complications 

associated with Triomy 18.

Our family wants to remember Lainey by sharing this sweet story which gave us much comfort through out are very difficult time.  

To learn more about Lainey: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/loveforlainey

To share your experience: #lovefromlainey

Or email us at lovefromlainey@gmail.com

                If you'd like to join me in honoring our sweet girl you may do so in many ways; serving others, sending a sweet note of encouragement to a friend or neighbor, a random act of kindness or you can order your own copy to donate by following this link: The Gift of the Ladybug.  I'm happy to find a donation site as well if you'd prefer to send the book directly to me.  

Thank you to everyone who remembers Lainey with each little ladybug and thank you so much for sharing your "site-ings" with me, they are a source of great comfort for our entire family.

Lainey is greatly loved and greatly missed.  

The Sunday Seven 11-13-2016

1. I saw the doctor this week to review blood test results...everything came back fine.  We talked about his weight, my weight, how we both need to just do it, but time, effort, energy...He doesn't have 80 extra pounds of baby weight to lose!

2.  Monday night rehearsal went well.  I'm looking forward to holiday concerts.  I think I might invite Aunt B (I used to teach her great niece piano) and my neighbor Ms. Long to my concert at the beginning of December.  It'll be a nice night.

3.  Not one but TWO root canals on Thursday.  Sigh...another negative to pregnancy for me...inability to brush my teeth without gagging and throwing up.  Joy!  Now I must hang on until I can get my crowns!  Augh!


4.  Friday I didn't go in to work, I spent the morning preparing for our Young Woman Book of Mormon Read-A-Thon.  It started Friday at noon and ended Saturday at noon.   Can I just tell you it was hard and fabulous all at the same time?!  We wanted to help the girls read the Book of Mormon!  They were to have started by reading some at home, we'd read the bulk of the Book and they'll need to finish!

5.  Our awesome Stake President stopped by around 12:30 to share his testimony of the Book of Mormon.  So profound and I could really feel the spirit of his words.  He discussed with the girls where the book came from...how we use the King James Version of the Bible, he spoke on how that record is of a people in Jerusalem...he spoke of Christoper Columbus coming to the America's and finding people here.  He explained The Book of Mormon was written by the people in America and how they too received a testimony of Christ as he visited them.  The Book is Another Testimony of Christ! 

6.  We had guest readers, we listened to the Book of Mormon, we had food, lots and lots of food.  We took turns reading allowed together, we took turns reading like we had British accents, southern accents, as if we were a preacher, like the whale from Finding Nemo.  We made a human pyramid and we did the Mannequin challenge that's popular right now.  The girls colored, they braided hair, they laughed, they had fun.  Some of them were snoring by 9pm, others waited until midnight, a select few hung in there until 3:30 (I myself being one of them) and then others laid down at 6.  We were all awake by 8 for a pancake breakfast and to finish reading.  

7.  It was such an awesome experience.  I am so blessed and grateful to be apart of this church.  I told the girls, we don't do this sort of stuff because we have nothing better to do!  It's because we love them and we know the church is true.  As exhausted as we all were I was just so surprised by the feelings I received from helping and being apart of this event.  

I am blessed!

Dream On

this classic hit from Aerosmith, continues "dream until your dreams come true".  Wouldn't that be so nice?

I'm reminded of my personal sense of humor which interprets "Dream On" as, "yeah right, dream on" your dreams are too far fetched.  (Half empty kind of a mind) 

On a fun trip this summer my simple Canon point and shoot camera got broken.  I'd had it for 10 years and it was a great camera.  So I need a camera, I'm shocked at how many times I go for my camera and I don't have one!  A camera!  People say, "use your cell those have such good cameras in them now..."  Problem is storage.  A cell phone is a short term solution.

I knew that I'd be receiving extra money in the near future for a fall bonus at work.  I'd knew that now was the time for buying a camera.  I asked the opinion of everyone I knew who takes pictures about cameras, lenses...I researched, I shopped around.  I settled myself on a Canon 80D.  Far more money than I have ever spent on myself at one time.  

Thing is, part of my fuel for a decent camera is so that I may be able to help the organization NILMDTS.  The same organization that placed a photographer in my room for Lainey's birth, a person detached enough from our family to chronicle our limited time with her.  We have two terrible polaroids of Ricky.  Any idea what it feels like to wonder what your child looked like?  Long for a chance to see him again because you only had  a brief few minutes with him after delivering him.  It's horrible.  The NILMDTS photographer in our area is back to college, a mom, a wife.  She doesn't have the time to volunteer as much; which means people in our area are going without these services.  

I've wanted to volunteer even before we had Lainey.  I actually dream about the experience.  I have had DREAMS about being in the situation and photographing families living in their worst nightmare so they may have memories of their sweet babies.  

It's a big decision to spend money on myself.  I totally fretted, wondered, researched, weighted the consequences of no camera, camera...I finally convinced myself I was going to do buy my camera. 

I mentioned this to a friend and she said, "I could never spend that kind of money on myself". 

Dream on.

Went through all those emotions all over, weighted all the things I go without; a broken wedding band, a limited wardrobe, virtually no jewelry maybe 6 pairs of shoes, 2 handbags, I don't do manicures EVER, maybe a pedicure once a year...I'm a minimalist.  I reviewed all the money spent on Rick's hobbies, hunting, guns, ammo...and I know a camera is small in comparison. Difference is he can spend the money on himself and I can't, I just can't be that selfish when we have bills to pay. 

Bonus comes in, more than I expected and enough to spend that money on myself...

for Root Canals. They had been needed since having Lainey, it was finally one time when enough money would fall into my hand to have it done.  Now it's expense of two crowns.  When I realized I wouldn't be buying myself a camera, I cried.  I honestly cried hard. 

Dream on, you won't be getting a camera anytime soon. 

I don't get it, I don't understand how it is I have a social work degree, having had two infant losses, I'm good with helping others, I like to help others and I'm not actually doing that work.  Did I go through all this to help no one?

I often wake up asking God, "How do I serve you today"? 

I sincerely do want to serve, it's so hard to do that at times. 

I had a thought and that was to reach out to Canon or Nikon ...and just plead my case and ask...now I wait.  Either on them or a lump sump of money that won't be allocated for crowns, braces, another car...

Dream on

The Sunday Seven 11-6-2016

1. 10/30/2016;  Sat in church with Rick, it was so good to have him there with me.  This is the date of Ricky's burial 23 years ago.  Sigh.  Totally disturbed and grouchy that Rick left after sacrament. Wishing his commitment level were different...alas...

We had played Rummy the night before and Rick beat me by some 200 points!  I let him gloat for a bit, then I started in on the subtle hints that I let him win.  It got to him, because he challenged me to play again tonight, and I beat him effortlessly by 200 points!  Game on!  Now he believes I let him win!  Ha

2.  Halloween:  Kids were off school and I had to work, story of my life.  So I got to work early and my boss asked why I was so early.  I told him, then he told me to leave early but clock out at the regular time.  He is so awesome!  I was blessed.

3.  Left work early and drove all over looking for pumpkins to carve!  They were nearly nowhere to be found.  We live in the South people, you can't even buy them until Halloween because they will rot from the heat!  Found several on a very good deal and brought them home to waiting kids!  I think they turned out great:  In order of artistry:  Lexie, Colby, Kaylie, Kaylie.  It was shocking how quite people were while working on this project!

4.  The rest of our work week was uneventful, worked at Chek through Thursday and then at N2it Realty on Friday.  Rick left town for work and we were left on our own. Kids ran in two different directions Friday night; roller skating and a football game. Kodi and I just hung out watching the ID channel.  We get sucked in to terrible crimes, then I'm afraid to take the dog out before bed! HA

5.  Saturday morning I was up bright and early headed to Orchestra rehearsal in Mooresville.  We are working out bowing for upcoming concerts, it was good and I felt like I played well.  I'm so thankful to have a community orchestra!

6.  Saturday afternoon and evening I spent at church.  A world wide online teaching in-service and our Fall Stake Conference where we heard from the Temple President and wife, our Mission President and his wife among others.  The topic:  Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy.  The gist is, if you keep the Sabbath Day observance; remembering our Savior then you will live the commandments, you will have him with you to make good choices and decisions.  Someone spoke on making a Sunday family habit; Church, family time like games or a good movie, visiting relatives. The point was made, "what you do on Sunday is most often what your children do on Sunday".  "If you shop or buy pizza on Sunday, your kids are more likely to do the same".  That really struck a nerve with me, as a child of non-member parents I used to fight to observe Sunday.  Begging not to have to mow on Sunday, but to mow on Monday.  I did not shop, eat out, make anyone else work on a Sunday.  I still try to observe the Sabbath, but know I can find more worthy Sunday family activities to do with my children.

7.  Which brings me to today!  I had suggested to friends that we hike the mile long hike along Lake Norman in the state park, we'd have breakfast together and then head out.  Once we came back home we'd watch General Conference Addresses on TV that I had recorded.   They came over, we had waffles and eggs and left for the park.  Melissa had brought Colby and Idalis and I had Kaylie, Lexie and Smokey.  It was a beautiful day! I wanted to be out in the fresh air, get some exercise and view the beautiful fall colors.   As we started our hike someone commented, "Oh, we didn't bring any water".  I replied, "That's okay, it's only a mile long hike we'll be out of here in 35 minutes"!

It was then that Melissa's family began to proclaim that the smallest hike is 3 miles.  I couldn't believe it!  We had already started our hike!  We would have to go 3 miles!  Throughout the hike I kept saying, "I swear we have hiked only a mile here before!"  Sure enough, we had to hike at the very least 3 miles, with no water!  I was happy to notice a marker with writing up ahead of me only to learn we had only gone half a mile, then a mile, then a mile and a half, then two miles, then two and a half miles, then three miles and my car was still what seemed like forever up a hill in the parking lot!  What started out as a pleasure hike to get fall pictures quickly became a hike of survival.  I could no longer enjoy the beautiful fall decor I had to watch my footing as I huffed and puffed up and down the trails!  Obviously we made it home, muscles warmed from the work, it felt good to accomplish this task.  I feel like we all had a good time, followed by great brownies!  

The Sunday Seven 10-30-2016

1.  Monday was senior soccer night and Lexie was asked to escort her favorite young man Colby onto the field.  It was a sweet moment, Colby's family there, church friends there and it was his last home soccer game.  They announced Senior Colby Myers #19 escorted by Ms. Lexie Liptrap accompanied by his parents...they went on to announce activities he's involved in; church, scouts...then they announced his future plans.  A year at BYU before serving a 2 year mission for the LDS church.  

The audible "ohs and ahs" from the audience was telling, people were impressed and maybe a bit surprised.  It was a good night.

2.  Wednesday night Lexie was off shooting and Kaylie opted to go to her last middle school football game.  It was the traditional trunk or treat at church with a chili cook off.  I had been on the fence about going anyway, so I just decided to stay home.  The first time I went to this activity at this ward I was pregnant with Lainey.  I had been writing on caring bridge about her condition and our lives.  A woman from across the table, shyly stated, "I've been reading your blog, and I've been praying for you".  It's so hard to know who, knew what, when.  I remember feeling a bit shocked but grateful someone knew.  It was a night I didn't want to face.

3.  The same day was filled with much dread of the anticipation of my birthday.  As stupid as that sounds.  Felt weepy mostly all day.  Gave myself permission to suffer if I wanted to.  Stupid I know!  

    

4.  My 45th birthday arrived, off to work.  Some text well wishes, Facebook notifications about my birthday...I walk in work to find the whole crew having breakfast and on my desk was a dozen dunkin donuts.  I took my donuts out to the table and shared my birthday treat with everyone.  The guys were extra chatty, we joked and had fun.  My phone kept lighting up from messages.  Despite my biggest efforts to feel miserable, my day was shaping up!

5.  Arrived home to a clean kitchen, with a birthday cake made by the girls and dinner purchased by Kodi.  Rick was away at Martinsville.  So we sat around and watched the newest "Ellen" Halloween videos featuring her producer Andy, and we laughed and laughed!  I love to laugh!

6.  I held off going to bed as long as possible, it's the alone quiet moments that can be the worst.  I finally settled myself into my room and I sat on the floor with Ricky's box of things.  I looked over his baby blanket, which surprisingly smelled like a hospital.  I looked over the booty socks he was buried in, I kept a set of them.  I looked over his little handkerchief hat, his hair (so much lighter than Lainey) his death certificate, his photographs.  I spent a few minutes thinking of that night, then I reached for the 6 lb. 3 on. weighted heart someone made for me and I held it on my chest as I feel asleep.  23 years in Heaven. 

7.  Friday night was spent at the Mooresville vs. Lake Norman Rival football game.  It was CROWDED, like ridiculously crowded.  I saw so many people I knew and loved, people who had blessed my life the 15 years while living in Mooresville.  I enjoyed watching people more so than the game.  Several Young Women from my old ward were in the marching band, I got to visit with them.  A hug from an old neighbor, sitting with another neighbor.  It felt so good to be surrounded by familiar people in a familiar place.  We lost and headed home.  I had been thinking, "We could move back here, the girls were off with old friends, I think I might like to move back, I work in Mooresville, Rick works south of Mooresville..."  All feelings of nostalgia were suddenly lost when Lexie said, "I sure don't miss that place"!  Sigh...guess we'll just stay put!  :)